I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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