The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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