My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
