I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
