Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
