so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
