I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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