I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
