The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
