the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
