I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
