you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
