so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Come on in and take your pants off
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