i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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