just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
