i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
