so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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