the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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