What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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