i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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