How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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