so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
