there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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