I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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