fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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