my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
