my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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