I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
