I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
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You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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