I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
