I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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