I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
How's work?
Spinning.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
