Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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