Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Terrible idea I love it
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
