Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
