I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
