Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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