if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
