i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
