i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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