so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
