What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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