please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
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I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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