...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
