He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
