He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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