I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
