evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
