he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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