That's when you crack a 10am beer
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
