WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
