Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
