btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
