Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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