May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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