Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
