Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
