The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
