So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
