My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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