Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
