singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
