theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
