they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
