I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
