Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
